trusting god

1. god is infinite, I am finite
2. God is never the problem
3. God loves me
4. Sin infects everything including my understanding of 1-3

that is my new mantra of sorts i think my problem is I am not trusting god, and denying my anger at my brother, it is true I am furious with him. he made the worst decision a person could ever make, and quite frankly I am starting to realize that he never cared about me at all. I feel hurt by him in my book our relationship was a priority to me. I told him if he ever needed anything day or night to call me. i would even drive down to texas on a moments notice for him i was willing to walk through fire for him I guess it was not the same for him. that king of cocks! he didn't even bother to call me he called my folks but not me. it is clear to me (my councilor disagrees) that i mean nothing to him has a brother he cared about all these women he couldn't have over his own brother. has he never seen an action movie? my therapist thinks that maybe i was the one person who he couldn't bare to call but i think he was so selfish i didnt even cross his mind. wow i have a few hurt feelings about this. and when it comes to where he is heaven or hell i need to trust god but it is so hard (that is what she said) i don't have that comfort of seeign him again or do i? only god knows really.

This is my secret burden

I miss my brother, but I also have to be realistic about his fate, or the fate of all who are lost
this is not easy for me to talk about in fact I wonder if I should share it with others, but my faith demands I do, let me start from the beginning. My name is Sheppard Lusk and on February 26th 2009 my brother Chris Lusk fatally shot himself committing suicide. I can not remember a time past that date it defines me and is the nexus of all my thoughts and actions. I am also a Christian when I say Christian I am sure a bunch of media stereotypes pop instantly in to your brain, or that I am a person who never swears and goes to church. That is not what I mean by Christian I prefer to say I have a “faith” and my faith is built solidly on the only thing capable of saving me or you for that matter and that thing is Jesus Christ. The tenets of my faith are quite simple and not has political has most of the media makes them
1.all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God(Romans 3:23)
2.salvation is found in no one else for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved (acts 4:12)
3.Our salvation is based upon faith not works (Ephesians 2:8-9)
4.Salvation is necessary plain and simple or we go to hell (revelation 20:15)
now I say these things not to “push my religion on you” but to honestly tell you the truth, this is the way the world works when you die you are judged by god and sent to where you belong heaven or hell. Plain and simple merely believing that god doesn't exist or that “he is a the most miserable character in all of fiction” doesn't change the fact that he is real.
My brother did not accept the message of Jesus Christ, I will admit I don't know what he was thinking the last hours of his life or what he said. Here in lies my problem I don't have a lot of guilt about being afraid to talk to my brother about my faith no in fact the last real conversation we had was about god and the matters of spiritual things, I don't have guilt that is not the right word I have anger I am pissed off I guess at my brother for not making a good decision he said he wasn't “ready” not knowing he only had a few weeks to live you are never ready. I am mad at him that he damned himself to a eternity of fire and wailing and gnashing of teeth, and it breaks my heart literally it BREAKS my heart but I hope my heart break will be your wake up call, I am asking you every body who reads this not to dismiss what I have to say but to honestly consider if they need a savior, please please don't reject this message like my brother did, my heart is so burdened with sorrow for him knowing that has a believer in Jesus Christ, I will never see my brother again. We will be separated by a veil for God is holy he cannot be in the presence of evil (think of vampires and crosses if it helps) but he is also Just and Loving so he will judge each person who dies fairly and with out bias and perfectly. And at the end of his judgment the blood of the savior will determine up or down. Being a christian is not about being a republican it is about being a follower of Jesus living his message of hope and love every day, and trying to the best of your ability to share his message with the people you know and care about. In the end thought nothing I can say or do can make your heart change or I cant make you accept this message
even if I could it wouldn't be the kinda message I want to endorse. What I am trying to say is please don't look at what the media or idiots portray has Christ followers look at what the sourse of the message says separate the two halves. And look at it and see if it is not for you, I am sorry for all the hurt and pain we have brought you usually it is all our fault but please look past that at the crux of the message and that is really that “god so loved the world he gave his only begotten son and who ever shall believe in his shall not perish but have everlasting life”
I guess I just needed to say that to the world because I have already lost forever one person who was very dear to me I don't want to lose another not if I can help it. It makes me feel powerless to not effect change in your life or in my brothers life because I don't serve a god who is a god of mind control but he lets us and expects us to make decisions on our own.
I have to take comfort and faith in one verse “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away “ Revelation 21:4

that is how I deal with Chris's death and his resting place my faith is tested but is it really faith if It is never put to the test?
That is what I am dealing with now the whole idea of never seeing my brother again and putting that reality to practice with my faith I don't know how I deal with it or if I ever will but it is a reality for me and it is I feel so damn alone with this burden

wow

don't have much to say the anniversary is a few weeks away
I am having a daughter and she has no uncle.
I wonder if I am missing some interregnal part of the grieving process? I went to the friday survivors of suicide group I made my self go I asked what to do on the anniversary. the responses were good maybe sit down and watch big trouble in little china. me and chris always liked that movie, oh but i have a test i emailed the teacher but i am pretty sure she will still make me take it on that day . do I need to forgive him or my self i can tell you that I don't feel any guilt really about last things said or done i shared with him the gospel. in other news i am pretty sure I got kicked off a suicide survivors forum for posting religious material. Is it my fault that jesus christ is the way I deal with it? instead of bad books and shitty poetry. I have been a wreck lately i literally just wander around the house i cant find a job, all i have is school i am sleeping better some nights i am trying not o get sucked into anything. i have most of the parts i need for my car see my face-book but still need 150-250 for an etune where you data log your car send it to them they weak it and give you a custom, ecu map it will be nice but he part i like the best is the installation
i liek to work with my hands and i am super excited to pull my exhaust off and put my headers on
i feel like i have grown up al lot when it comes to cars my last car the legacy was a freaking money pit but i am ready for a new project i really want to make a twin turbo sti legacy wagon i just need to save some serious money to do it. i think a 2 year savings plan will work. i am trying not to let these plans keep me up at night and honestly sometimes they do. i think maybe i need to bust out rome total war so i have more distractions or buy the empire total war themn kelly will say i spend too much time on the computer and she will be right
we had a scare saturday night kelly started to bleed and earlier that day she fell off her bike i am so glad no more death in this family
it was serous though
i am pretty sure my brother is super drunk in this picture or he has a rat in his butt
it was on his birthday in iraq 11/26/2007

I wrote Brendan James

here is my letter on his fan site i don't know the format for writing rock stars?

Hey, i don't usually write dudes about there music especially sensitive emo pussy rock, but i was wrong you are very talented and I dig your music i was wrong there i said it my wife introduced me to your music. so i don't know how this type of letter goes but here i go
on February 26th at 315 am my brother shot himself he was in the army and that evening he was supposed to fly up to boise and live with us and get his life straight
any way that song "the sun will rise" is my song about that night if only he had waited for the sun he would of gotten on that plane and been maybe better.
i am sure that song is about breaking up with a girl or something but to me it is abotu him drinking alone in his apartment staring at his gun. i was wondering what your song was really about and wanted to know listening to your song has really helped.
shepp lusk
here is my blog i do make fun of you and list the songs that make me sad about chris my brother
http://whatirememberaboutchris.blogspot

Under Pressure

I am restless. I can hardly sleep at night but unlike Joe Lando in the a&e movie "Blood in texas" the real story of chris lusk. it is not so dramatic and I dont look has good with my shirt off has he does. I hate to quote queen but it seems appropriate under pressure... I really feel restless lately it is the only word to describe it. it is like the anti christmas you cant wait till the 25th to open your presents I feel the opposite like I dont want the day to come. I have been trying to keep to a schedule I really have one responsibility now and that is school. so I have decided to try to make a schedule. Am I bad person for wanting to be distracted? right now I am working on my wrx i cajoled and pleaded kelly to let me buy new exhaust and now i just bought a sti intercooler and am hopefully going to olympia on saturday to pick up a new vf39 turbo
it is a constant consuming fire in my life. I think I am going through a midlife crisis? maybe? possibly? the fact is I am not ready to let go even though in the store today I told some air force guys my brother is dead. it doesn't feel like it. what does a dead brother feel like? heavy I imagine like weekend at Bernie's but not funny.
the bottom line is I am fighting against feb 26th with all my soul and being. see I think once a year is up I cant be sad about it or no longer use it has an excuse to checkout and i dont want the day to come where I say he has been dead for a year. IT is not a mile stolen i want to happen. i wonder if i ma the only one who is still torn up about it and the wounds feel fresh? or has most of the world moved on?
but changign subjects i am pretty sure i am cursed with suicide
1. my brother
2. his buddy garza
3.my cousin mike
4.this guy at my church i really liked
juts out of the blue suicide! i feel like i am just goign to walk down the street and random people will jump form 7th story windows and such.
the worst part has a man is talking about it wont bring him back so why bother?
I write this stuff and it feels good to get it out but when i go back and read it it is like the ramblings of a drunken irishman. at this point i am just waiting for the hammer to fall. hi ayo
it is a really hard couple of months january and feb
I feel like my skin is crawling

oh yeah look at the ridiculous picture of him

fire

when it is real quite and i am alone at night sometimes i stare at the fire and think how beautiful it looks then i think man i am glad there is glass between me and that i wonder if Chris is in a place like that a place of eternal torment paying for his sins
there is a good possibility. but the fire also gives me another analogy that i like it is the story of how faith is born if i have a bunch of logs already burning and i throw another log on it catches fire immediately no blowing no cursing but sometimes late at night when there are just a few coals i put a log on and i set the stove to max oxygen it takes a long time to get a flame and when i do it must be nurtured this is a symbol of faith when others around us have little faith or fire or zeal for Jesus it is hard to make people see the truth and once they have come to the truth. it takes a lot of time and effort to make them biblically sound and equip them with the tools do win souls. like the log that has some scorch marks under it but no actual flame it takes work to produce faith just like fire. it seems today that there is very little fire left and a lot of water to quench it we have a society in my opinion that is anti God
not anti gods but anti truth and against anybody who shows my beliefs in truth being absolute and in there being only one God not a bunch of gods but one and his name is Jesus. maybe if we had had a more god tolerant culture my brother would of been saved. maybe if he had had other people around him with the spark of redemption
he may of caught fire. i cant tell you how many times i put a log on with just a few coals and it wont burn or it goes out. now i got no problem with people wanting to do there own thing if you want to sit on a hill with crystals and astral project astral project away Xavier and i f you disagree with the bible don't read it if you hate god and don't want to go to church stay at home and watch TV. but please leave my relationship with Jesus alone please respect my traditions and my beliefs alone if there is a manger in your court house and it offends you don't get on the phone and call the ACLU. Ignore it if you can not worship god. then i can worship god or if there are tiny bible verses on your rifle that you need a magnifying glass to see don't make a big stinking deal about it. it is hardly proselytizing.
i am on a rant and if people read this i may offend them this is how i feel if you don't like it don't read it.
i could go on forever about tolerance the idiot juice but i don't
i wanted to still talk about a bad Chris day i may of made it sound like i always am crying at my computer listen to chick rock
in really it is like time slows down and i have all these thoughts in my head and i think about him and i am only focused on Chris. i may think back to the beginning of our lives and try to play my memories of him form start is it crazy to worry that i may forget him? or what he looks like if i didn't have photos i don't know. new things come to mind all the time one of the strangest memories i have is lying down in the back seat of the rent a car looking out of the back window in my wives lap driving to his apartment and his military memorial service. thinking i was in a weird film like the royal tenebaums or the Darjeeling express.
maybe one day i will talk about his apartment and the carpet cut out for the blood stains and the amazing mysterious invisible bed.
i like the feeling of being alone it i soothing like swimming in the ocean it is like he is right behind me or i am expecting a phone call form him a bad Chris day is those days where i think bio-physically my body forgets he is dead i know but my very cells forget and the feeling he is about to call is ever present
cs Lewis describes it has having a wet blanket between you and the world and wanting every body in your flat but not wanting them to talk to you.
a side note there is no way to capitalize my i"s i don't have a program so i know i wont win any contests but if Cormac McCarthy can write a whole book with no periods i figure i am okay.

A bad Chris day

Sometimes I have a day called a "bad Chris day" it is the thing i say to let my wife that i am just not on track it is sorta of a all encompassing formula for dealing with my grief. has cliche has it sounds it feels like i am moving through molasses on these days in fact i am having one now. another cliche is it is like walking through to a bad dream on these days i like to be alone and listen to certain songs that make me cry or genuflect on what happened on these days the thoughts of Chris are particularly bold
weird thoughts and conversations real or imagined flow through my head like water down a damn. it is to be expected with his "anniversary"(is that the right word) coming up
there is a play list that i listen to called sad about Chris and when i am in a especially foul mood i sit down drink a beer scroll through all the pictures of him i have and play these songs on repeat and cry or weep or moan like a jew in a world war two movie . usually Kelly will come in and stop me but it is the most godawful pathetic thing you have ever witnessed a grown man with tears streaming down his face while frickin Brendan James plays "the sun will rise the sun will save me" has i weakly sip beer and cry like a little girl i am pathetic but it helps
want to know what the songs are?

1.brenden james the sun will rise it is a song about trying to survive till the sun rise then the day will get better i imagine my brother when ever i hear that song.and imagine what would of happened if he had heard it. although i am sure it is is about a girl or his faggy deep feelings i bet if i wrote Mr Brenden james he would be like "that song has nothing to do with what you are talking about that you are super gay even more gay than me"
2.OAR shattered this song before i got it off itunes i would just break down into tears sometimes i wonder how much i can take before i do shatter but again it just hits me. i have a faith in a god who provides and comforts and i think if it weren't for him and my wife well there isn't a country song to describe what would of happened
3.by your side 10th ave north
now this song is/will be used in the made for tv drama staring joe lando has me and it will be played when chris is abbot to eat his gun (i like him putting it in his mouth better it is more phallic) .A man dressed like Jesus will be right there silently unseen pleading for chris not to do it for the first 9 months i couldn't listen to the song with out tears i think this song is right on the mark
4. neil diamond he aint heavy he is my brother
nuff said!

5.overkill by men at work. i know i know it started out has a song early in my marriage of "oh crap i hope kellly isnt pregnant to now a song by a washed up 80's musician about the suicide of my brother
6. the most shameful song KT tunstall other side of the world
i know I know
ther is just something abotu it even though it is about a girl! for frick's sake
that makes me think he was really on the other side of the world to me even when he was eating dinner with me

judge away not that you read this
but i am having a bad chris day i am grumpy and want money for My car when i am working on my wrx it all goes away either that or drinking
oh yeah i have a test on his deathday in spanish and i calmly explained to my teacher who i had just met in my best sam elliot voice that that day was reserved for me to get drunk and crawl in a hole so i may miss the test i didnt tell her why she didn't ask
that guy is brenden james down there and i am afraid he will ridicule me lol

Last Chances

Chris visited north Idaho last January around this time. A few of the pictures I have posted are from that last visit he looks pretty big in them like Elvis he sorta got fat at the end. the last time I really saw my brother was at Beverly's restaurant Kelly had never met Chris before so she wanted to go out to dinner with him and talk. I must confess I don't remember most of it. I am sure in the made for TV movie that will be on lifetime has Joe lando(look him up) plays me he will remember every word spoken and lay awake at night recounting it in his head. that is not how it works in real life we took a few pictures like the one above(thank you Kelly thank you Kelly)
sometimes I hope this helps me to write this stuff down afterwards I fell better and I try not to write to the "audience".
I believe that Jesus Christ is the way the truth and the light and ever since i gave my life to him to figure out my one prayer on my list almost every night was Chris
we had the "talk" have I have had with most of my friends. but there was something about Chris that I really wanted to share a brother hood not forged of legal papers but forged of the blood of the saviour I don't believe that ever happened. I 100 percent know that Jesus is the only way to heaven other religions Don't do squat. his blood is the only way to be saved plain and simple.(I don't want argue the fact either)
that night has i looked at my brother i could feel a deep sadness in his eyes he had gotten divorced and caught his wife with another man beat him up got sent to the brig missed my wedding. Chris's life was really bad now at this time I thought depression was a disease like allergies and if I had been all knowing i would of realized the signs but I didn't. Chris had this tattoo that said "semper solus" it means always alone in Latin. it broke my heart i knew Chris wasn't alone and i had told him so. i just don't understand why a drowning man wont reach for a life preserver even though it is right in front of him! I am not angry with GOD I am angry with Chris cause I am pretty sure he missed out on the one thing he needed more in this life than anything and there isn't a thing i can do about it. One thing i do know with absolute certainty is that GOD is just and merciful and what ever fate Chris deserves god will give him according to his plan not mine.
I can tell you i really do feel an anguish not knowing where Chris is or is it knowing where he is. but i can say with new eyes opened i really understand God's love for people and the pain and grief i must feel at Chris's death god feels a thousand times more and the sacrifice he made of his son i now have a new understanding. it says in 1 Timothy 2:4 "who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth."
any way the bible also says tomorrow belongs to no one let me ask you a question if you died tonight are you 100% sure of where you would go? if not you may want to checkout http://www.notreligion.com/ or http://www.needhim.org/
in that picture who knew that would be the last time i really saw my brother alive
i can tell you that if i had known i would of done things differently one thing i can say is i did my duty to GOD and i told my brother about his love and his sacrifice in fact the last thing we talked about was the historical accuracy of the bible vs the book of Mormon.
I would of hugged him and never let him go. sometimes in my dreams i see him and sometimes i get to hug him. nut when i look at those pictures it is like a part of me is trapped in that photograph

Movies and a sick sense of humor

MY brother died right before the Wolverine movie came out he was the one to show me the trailer. now around the same time a few great movies are coming out. iron man 2 and the A-team. don't get me wrong I am excited has a virgin on her wedding night. also a little sad has a man going to movies with other men is a bonding experience that I treasure. and to know that Chris would of flipped his lid for a A-team movie brings a sorrow and regret that is just bubbling at the surface of my excitement like a La Brea Tar pit if I focus on it it will suck me down. for most folks I would assume the trigger be holidays or dates on the calender but i tend to measure my life in movies.

I posted on my face book that" My brother didn't commit suicide i think he was just doing the worlds best Abraham Lincoln impression! BADA BING BADA BOOM!"
I think my humor is a good way for me to deal with him and his final exit I hope to one day have a whole comedy routine based on his suicide does that make me the joker? form batman? is this normal to deal with grief using awful obtuse humor?
every time some body mentions Chris the most awful inappropriate jokes spring to mind
like
Q:what was going through his head that night?
A: a 9mm bullet!
does that make me a monster?

New Year

Well i survived Chris's birthday Thanksgiving and Christmas. there are few precious days left where I can say last year my brother was alive. It is strange writing that
I have a baby on the way and I wish chris was here to see him and meet him.
new years was kinda rough it is hard to celebrate knowing that some one is not there.
I find my self in a similar situation that chris was in the dreaded job search. my brother was a genius simple fact me not so much he lied to my folks about finding a job
and said he wanted to go back school and chose BSU i wonder if that was a lie also?
strange has it seems or sounds I had one wish that chris were here to see the wolverine movie he showed me the trailer and I was pumped. now iron man 2 is coming out I am pretty excited for it.

I feel like I am obligated to update now that I have a blog