Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Anger and Sadness
The key to understanding the Issue with a suicide death is this" I am so sad that the person I love is dead and I am so angry at the son of a bitch who killed my loved one"
See the problem here? I will freely admit I don't "do" February very well and after a nice long talk with my Therapist/Pseudo father figure, It is most likely due to the fact that I am not "okay" with my brothers death, When I asked him what okay meant he said something like "my brother is dead and he died of suicide and I can't change It" this fact is very true stop and think for a second how many much time is spent in your life fighting the unmovable river of things you can't change? How much energy do you put forth trying to make a situation work to your advantage? probably a shit ton if you were honest with your self. Ever asked your self what it is called the Serenity Prayer? the first step in getting sober/clean/well/healthy/what ever is this
1. I am powerless over my own addictions and my life has become unmanageable. I guess to be fair suicide is a pretty good sign that that is true, if you have a gun in your mouth chances are that your life is unmanageable the problem lies in the second step
2. I came to believe in a power greater than my self can restore me to sanity - most people never get here sadly they are still stuck at step 1 or step zero
I think my issue with my brother is that he was at step 2ish... he had...crap I can't speak for him let me try that again...I feel that he knew damn well his life had become unmanageable he was gaining weight (that's right chris I just called you a fat ass) drinking like he had a hollow leg, and getting all sorts of awful tattoos and hanging out with Disturbed band rejects. What makes me most upset about chris is that he had a way out, he could of had the peace that surpasses understanding the hope of nations. but instead he said “I am not ready”. Maybe he wasn't I do believe that some people are genuinely not ready to change or are not ready to get right with their maker that's fine , what I can't stand is people who are in obvious pain....If I finish that thought i sound like a jackass who am I to judge who's pain and who’s not.
Even has I write this a little voice in my head says Chris was in denial,plain and simple he wasn't at step 1 he still though he could manage his life. The thing that pissed me the most off about my brother is these women he would have these deep emotional relationships with women who were married/engaged/unavailable. what part of that doesn't scream unmanageable
I think because I am getting healthy and going through the steps I am resentful of him and mad at him because out of my whole life the was the only one who could really understand what I went through how I was raised, he is the only one who I really want to share my victories with not because I don't love my wife or my family but because he was there and maybe he could help me gain some insight and mostly I want to share with him because I honestly wanted him to get healthy, what if in some mirror Universe their is a version of Chris who lives and is writing about his stupid dead brother Sheppard?....that's right I just blew your mind!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
