Almost 3 years now

I went back and reread my previous posts, they got me thinking.I haven't written to this blog in a long time mostly due to fear or laziness.

last thanksgiving right before Kelly gave birth to my amazing beautiful daughter Mia, I went up to visit Chris's grave in some sort of movie-esque forgiveness ritual. thinking that now I was done with the whole "dead brother thing" I should be able to focus on being a good husband and father....boy was I mistaken.
Tis blog here is a rambling of my innermost thoughts it is not to be taken as how i am always feeling or how somebody should deal with a loss like mine. I just write what i think and feel and every body else be damned. that being said, If you are reading this please don't be offended at what you read or assume that what I write is the whole picture.

I am tired of feeling sad about Chris i think sums up this year, he never really gave a shit about is family when he was alive and with his death apparently now I have to give two whole poops about him? I feel my relationship with him is vastly more complicated than it ever was now than when he was alive. except now i can't call him up and cajole him, or beg him or please or threaten him to be a part of my life now he is forever, so victory???

Things have changed for me in this past year, not all of them have to do with my brothers death so I apologize if I don't go into details regardless
I have a few victories I have 6 months sobriety, going strongly on to one months and hopefully hitting my year mark some time around December.

I have been looking back at my marriage and at my family Relationships . and coming to understand what an incredibly unhealthy person I have been,and am right now, In fact looking at Chris's life through this therapeutic lens ti makes perfect sense that suicide was his next step. think the lusk family motto is "sub umbra alarum taurum" it means under thy wings Jehovah
It should be changed to "Si vos operor non tendo vos mos non deficio" IF you don't try you won't fail

That has been my motto for the majority of my life, and I imagine it was most likely Chris's motto also. Suicide is the ultimate expression of that motto.

Chris was supposed to come up to Boise that night and we were going to take him in and help him get settled here.
he had been lying every one about a job search in Texas and this was his "beard" to keep the ruse up. how do i know this? I did the very same thing once I quite TP i was supposed to find a job but the thought of getting rejected and putting all that work in was overwhelming, I didn't know where to start what to do first(my resume I suppose) and my whole life every thing had been done for me, my mother bought my clothes my father paid my bills if i failed they picked up the pieces. now here I was married and no body to make me a resume nobody to take my job interview for me. I was stuck with me IN my case I ended up going to Boise state for a semester to even avoid the job search. and because Jesus Christ is my higher power I have help and he got me a job by a series of crazy circumstances.

but I know the fear that was going on in my brothers heart. so Instead of going to boise and having to deal with his brother who was "happily" married, had a saving grace and was perfect he decided to put a gun in his mouth.

after all that has happened with me an amy "perfect marriage" in this last year I now finally can look back and understand how incredibly unhealthy i was and my marriage was and my faith was.
and me and chris came from the same family so it comes to reason he was also unhealthy.

I think he had just had enough of the pressure and had the means and had the ability to take this own life.
I have been going to therapy, 12 step programs, and celebrate recovery so i have been able to put a finger on the awful patterns that for so long ruled my life. Have you ever had a fear or pattern or thought process rule your life so completely that you don't even realize you are hurting the ones you love? you honestly think you are just doing what you need to do not to feel that feeling or have that fear? and if people understood for one moment how you felt they say "it is okay for you to do what you do"
So i now have a insight into my brothers mind I think but i will be the one that breaks the cycle, that breaks the pattern that was planted there by my upbringing and my life experiences. I will emerge from this battle fought beneath the thundering sky and raging torrent of wind and I will be victorious. I will be the last lusk that has to ever go through what I am going through or through what chris went through. I can't just grow a mustache, buy a muscle car and drive across the country in search of some vague idea of "who am I" I already know I am a mighty man of The most high and he looks at me he does not see my mistakes he sees me for who I am wonderfully and fearfully made. God Doesn't Make Junk!
Rambling again but i mean it.