Under Pressure

I am restless. I can hardly sleep at night but unlike Joe Lando in the a&e movie "Blood in texas" the real story of chris lusk. it is not so dramatic and I dont look has good with my shirt off has he does. I hate to quote queen but it seems appropriate under pressure... I really feel restless lately it is the only word to describe it. it is like the anti christmas you cant wait till the 25th to open your presents I feel the opposite like I dont want the day to come. I have been trying to keep to a schedule I really have one responsibility now and that is school. so I have decided to try to make a schedule. Am I bad person for wanting to be distracted? right now I am working on my wrx i cajoled and pleaded kelly to let me buy new exhaust and now i just bought a sti intercooler and am hopefully going to olympia on saturday to pick up a new vf39 turbo
it is a constant consuming fire in my life. I think I am going through a midlife crisis? maybe? possibly? the fact is I am not ready to let go even though in the store today I told some air force guys my brother is dead. it doesn't feel like it. what does a dead brother feel like? heavy I imagine like weekend at Bernie's but not funny.
the bottom line is I am fighting against feb 26th with all my soul and being. see I think once a year is up I cant be sad about it or no longer use it has an excuse to checkout and i dont want the day to come where I say he has been dead for a year. IT is not a mile stolen i want to happen. i wonder if i ma the only one who is still torn up about it and the wounds feel fresh? or has most of the world moved on?
but changign subjects i am pretty sure i am cursed with suicide
1. my brother
2. his buddy garza
3.my cousin mike
4.this guy at my church i really liked
juts out of the blue suicide! i feel like i am just goign to walk down the street and random people will jump form 7th story windows and such.
the worst part has a man is talking about it wont bring him back so why bother?
I write this stuff and it feels good to get it out but when i go back and read it it is like the ramblings of a drunken irishman. at this point i am just waiting for the hammer to fall. hi ayo
it is a really hard couple of months january and feb
I feel like my skin is crawling

oh yeah look at the ridiculous picture of him