A bad Chris day

Sometimes I have a day called a "bad Chris day" it is the thing i say to let my wife that i am just not on track it is sorta of a all encompassing formula for dealing with my grief. has cliche has it sounds it feels like i am moving through molasses on these days in fact i am having one now. another cliche is it is like walking through to a bad dream on these days i like to be alone and listen to certain songs that make me cry or genuflect on what happened on these days the thoughts of Chris are particularly bold
weird thoughts and conversations real or imagined flow through my head like water down a damn. it is to be expected with his "anniversary"(is that the right word) coming up
there is a play list that i listen to called sad about Chris and when i am in a especially foul mood i sit down drink a beer scroll through all the pictures of him i have and play these songs on repeat and cry or weep or moan like a jew in a world war two movie . usually Kelly will come in and stop me but it is the most godawful pathetic thing you have ever witnessed a grown man with tears streaming down his face while frickin Brendan James plays "the sun will rise the sun will save me" has i weakly sip beer and cry like a little girl i am pathetic but it helps
want to know what the songs are?

1.brenden james the sun will rise it is a song about trying to survive till the sun rise then the day will get better i imagine my brother when ever i hear that song.and imagine what would of happened if he had heard it. although i am sure it is is about a girl or his faggy deep feelings i bet if i wrote Mr Brenden james he would be like "that song has nothing to do with what you are talking about that you are super gay even more gay than me"
2.OAR shattered this song before i got it off itunes i would just break down into tears sometimes i wonder how much i can take before i do shatter but again it just hits me. i have a faith in a god who provides and comforts and i think if it weren't for him and my wife well there isn't a country song to describe what would of happened
3.by your side 10th ave north
now this song is/will be used in the made for tv drama staring joe lando has me and it will be played when chris is abbot to eat his gun (i like him putting it in his mouth better it is more phallic) .A man dressed like Jesus will be right there silently unseen pleading for chris not to do it for the first 9 months i couldn't listen to the song with out tears i think this song is right on the mark
4. neil diamond he aint heavy he is my brother
nuff said!

5.overkill by men at work. i know i know it started out has a song early in my marriage of "oh crap i hope kellly isnt pregnant to now a song by a washed up 80's musician about the suicide of my brother
6. the most shameful song KT tunstall other side of the world
i know I know
ther is just something abotu it even though it is about a girl! for frick's sake
that makes me think he was really on the other side of the world to me even when he was eating dinner with me

judge away not that you read this
but i am having a bad chris day i am grumpy and want money for My car when i am working on my wrx it all goes away either that or drinking
oh yeah i have a test on his deathday in spanish and i calmly explained to my teacher who i had just met in my best sam elliot voice that that day was reserved for me to get drunk and crawl in a hole so i may miss the test i didnt tell her why she didn't ask
that guy is brenden james down there and i am afraid he will ridicule me lol