fire

when it is real quite and i am alone at night sometimes i stare at the fire and think how beautiful it looks then i think man i am glad there is glass between me and that i wonder if Chris is in a place like that a place of eternal torment paying for his sins
there is a good possibility. but the fire also gives me another analogy that i like it is the story of how faith is born if i have a bunch of logs already burning and i throw another log on it catches fire immediately no blowing no cursing but sometimes late at night when there are just a few coals i put a log on and i set the stove to max oxygen it takes a long time to get a flame and when i do it must be nurtured this is a symbol of faith when others around us have little faith or fire or zeal for Jesus it is hard to make people see the truth and once they have come to the truth. it takes a lot of time and effort to make them biblically sound and equip them with the tools do win souls. like the log that has some scorch marks under it but no actual flame it takes work to produce faith just like fire. it seems today that there is very little fire left and a lot of water to quench it we have a society in my opinion that is anti God
not anti gods but anti truth and against anybody who shows my beliefs in truth being absolute and in there being only one God not a bunch of gods but one and his name is Jesus. maybe if we had had a more god tolerant culture my brother would of been saved. maybe if he had had other people around him with the spark of redemption
he may of caught fire. i cant tell you how many times i put a log on with just a few coals and it wont burn or it goes out. now i got no problem with people wanting to do there own thing if you want to sit on a hill with crystals and astral project astral project away Xavier and i f you disagree with the bible don't read it if you hate god and don't want to go to church stay at home and watch TV. but please leave my relationship with Jesus alone please respect my traditions and my beliefs alone if there is a manger in your court house and it offends you don't get on the phone and call the ACLU. Ignore it if you can not worship god. then i can worship god or if there are tiny bible verses on your rifle that you need a magnifying glass to see don't make a big stinking deal about it. it is hardly proselytizing.
i am on a rant and if people read this i may offend them this is how i feel if you don't like it don't read it.
i could go on forever about tolerance the idiot juice but i don't
i wanted to still talk about a bad Chris day i may of made it sound like i always am crying at my computer listen to chick rock
in really it is like time slows down and i have all these thoughts in my head and i think about him and i am only focused on Chris. i may think back to the beginning of our lives and try to play my memories of him form start is it crazy to worry that i may forget him? or what he looks like if i didn't have photos i don't know. new things come to mind all the time one of the strangest memories i have is lying down in the back seat of the rent a car looking out of the back window in my wives lap driving to his apartment and his military memorial service. thinking i was in a weird film like the royal tenebaums or the Darjeeling express.
maybe one day i will talk about his apartment and the carpet cut out for the blood stains and the amazing mysterious invisible bed.
i like the feeling of being alone it i soothing like swimming in the ocean it is like he is right behind me or i am expecting a phone call form him a bad Chris day is those days where i think bio-physically my body forgets he is dead i know but my very cells forget and the feeling he is about to call is ever present
cs Lewis describes it has having a wet blanket between you and the world and wanting every body in your flat but not wanting them to talk to you.
a side note there is no way to capitalize my i"s i don't have a program so i know i wont win any contests but if Cormac McCarthy can write a whole book with no periods i figure i am okay.