Chris visited north Idaho last January around this time. A few of the pictures I have posted are from that last visit he looks pretty big in them like Elvis he sorta got fat at the end. the last time I really saw my brother was at Beverly's restaurant Kelly had never met Chris before so she wanted to go out to dinner with him and talk. I must confess I don't remember most of it. I am sure in the made for TV movie that will be on lifetime has Joe lando(look him up) plays me he will remember every word spoken and lay awake at night recounting it in his head. that is not how it works in real life we took a few pictures like the one above(thank you Kelly thank you Kelly)
sometimes I hope this helps me to write this stuff down afterwards I fell better and I try not to write to the "audience".
I believe that Jesus Christ is the way the truth and the light and ever since i gave my life to him to figure out my one prayer on my list almost every night was Chris
we had the "talk" have I have had with most of my friends. but there was something about Chris that I really wanted to share a brother hood not forged of legal papers but forged of the blood of the saviour I don't believe that ever happened. I 100 percent know that Jesus is the only way to heaven other religions Don't do squat. his blood is the only way to be saved plain and simple.(I don't want argue the fact either)
that night has i looked at my brother i could feel a deep sadness in his eyes he had gotten divorced and caught his wife with another man beat him up got sent to the brig missed my wedding. Chris's life was really bad now at this time I thought depression was a disease like allergies and if I had been all knowing i would of realized the signs but I didn't. Chris had this tattoo that said "semper solus" it means always alone in Latin. it broke my heart i knew Chris wasn't alone and i had told him so. i just don't understand why a drowning man wont reach for a life preserver even though it is right in front of him! I am not angry with GOD I am angry with Chris cause I am pretty sure he missed out on the one thing he needed more in this life than anything and there isn't a thing i can do about it. One thing i do know with absolute certainty is that GOD is just and merciful and what ever fate Chris deserves god will give him according to his plan not mine.
I can tell you i really do feel an anguish not knowing where Chris is or is it knowing where he is. but i can say with new eyes opened i really understand God's love for people and the pain and grief i must feel at Chris's death god feels a thousand times more and the sacrifice he made of his son i now have a new understanding. it says in 1 Timothy 2:4 "who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth."
any way the bible also says tomorrow belongs to no one let me ask you a question if you died tonight are you 100% sure of where you would go? if not you may want to checkout http://www.notreligion.com/ or http://www.needhim.org/
in that picture who knew that would be the last time i really saw my brother alive
i can tell you that if i had known i would of done things differently one thing i can say is i did my duty to GOD and i told my brother about his love and his sacrifice in fact the last thing we talked about was the historical accuracy of the bible vs the book of Mormon.
I would of hugged him and never let him go. sometimes in my dreams i see him and sometimes i get to hug him. nut when i look at those pictures it is like a part of me is trapped in that photograph
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